My Most Trusted Companion
You cannot share any meaningful interpersonal relationships with anyone if you don’t have faith in anyone anywhere…
I am back to scribbling a fragment of my malignant mind. Why malignant? There is a long story behind the formation of this one of a kind piece of human creation. I surely will take time out to narrate the details, if I live to see another day.
Idleness is a disease. I am of course infected with it at this very moment. For a couple of months, I did feel it creeping up my nerves, but I ignored. Thinking it to be one of those flu type sicknesses. It turns out now (hope it is not late) that it is cancerous, maybe in its first stage (fingers crossed for now).
There are moments where I can’t seem to recall anything but that which should not be recalled… The happy times… and they tell me, ‘don’t!’
That part of my mind has drained charge which once had the bitterness, the hatred, the loathe, the despise, the cannot bear memories, or even the scars left after a scratch. All that seems to be remaining is how good were the times.
Going back a couple of years life was ‘incomplete’… I won’t call it dreadful because I had someone I was utterly obsessed by, a companion who wore a mantle of magic, a friend who at present has left me all alone, though stood by me one like my own silhouette, a friend I dearly am fond of but I don’t know if it is a two-way idea. Let names not be disclosed, especially when this ridiculous culture we stand before day in day out manipulates most of our movements and thoughts. Especially the better/worse half of my most trusted companion.
Companions are like guides on the excursion of life. These guides provide experiences of joys, friendship, love, memories, traffic signals, emotions and much more. So saying that my companion was just a mere company would be impolite on my part and I am known for my politeness since forever *smile.
Six years ago, my companion of eight years then was my only obsession. I call her obsession because I could not imagine a world without her…
Without her approval or disapproval, it seemed something important was missing and hence to acquire her criticism or notion on whatsoever was most important for me. On the contrary, instead of making me totally dependent on her, this fair companion let me into believing in my own self. Consciously or unconsciously along the ride of my life she did hold my hand with a promise “I never let go of anyone after I bring them to the center of the ocean” … but with my hand held, she encouraged me make choices on my own. That holding hand gesture always told me I am being sided with no matter which direction I am headed, and with a supporting guide, I knew I had less chances of stumbling.
Idle times I have sat to reminiscence not merely out of compulsion but impulsiveness. It just hits me off and on. I have made ample memories with my companion and I have been lucky to do so. There is so much to thank her for but I just don’t have the means to anymore. I don’t know if it will be right to do so. We always say that thoughts should be said out loud and not concealed. I will have to conceal my trust for now I don’t have any companion I can trust.
As the cancer creeps in and days progress there are no harsh bits that my mind would recall. I have sat before and I will sit again, in search of my own soul and the hiding elements that compliment the person I am in flesh. I have been sad, I have been eroded, of course there have been instances where I have almost lost the companionship but somehow hopefulness has always crept up and held my hand…
“I wondered once what a morning would be without imagining her smile, or a text message from her reading of love and only promises for my days…” Now I know I can live without them too. For she was a mere human I took for an angel. I was the angel in her life, she dreamt of me in gold and as interpreted doom would cast upon everything around her if she lost sight of me. She has lost me. We have lost us.
There was a novelty about my obsession with this God’s creature. My life of uncountable conscious years has had many acquaintances, friends, foes, and family, but very few companions. They say obsession is a mental illness. Never have denied what they say. Like a few companions, I have had very few obsessions. For the ‘strive and thrive’ my obsession is as important to me as my companion. It keeps me company, it keeps me hooked, and it keeps me living!
They tell me ‘don’t!’
They still say ‘don’t!!’
They will always say ‘don’t!!!”
I now I loudly say “I never will!”
I was grateful to my Creator for giving me the pleasure of her company. Now I wonder why was she ever so much more than what she isn’t anymore!
My dear companion,
Not long ago did I say I value your presence in my life, I now say that you were the ugliest of them all who hid behind veils and made me come all bare. There have been ample and uncountable blessings of God on me, and your departure has been one of them too. The bigger the person you are in your head, I wish life cramps all possibilities and opportunities for you. You deserve the thorns in your way, for now you don’t have me to clean up around you.
Predominantly I thank God, yet again for the curse He let into my life in the shape of you. You who I held in esteem, you who I hailed ‘companion’. Secondly, I thank you for being that villian who steals the dignity of a woman and leaves her out cold. Your selfishness will dig your grave so deep that for times to come after we cease to be there will be no one trusting no one and no companion for envy.
Yet I envy you for the persona of you. How selfishly you weaved the web of deceit and I let let my self entangle and drown.
I am back to scribbling a fragment of my malignant mind. Why malignant? There is a long story behind the formation of this one of a kind piece of human creation. I surely will take time out to narrate the details, if I live to see another day.
Idleness is a disease. I am of course infected with it at this very moment. For a couple of months, I did feel it creeping up my nerves, but I ignored. Thinking it to be one of those flu type sicknesses. It turns out now (hope it is not late) that it is cancerous, maybe in its first stage (fingers crossed for now).
There are moments where I can’t seem to recall anything but that which should not be recalled… The happy times… and they tell me, ‘don’t!’
That part of my mind has drained charge which once had the bitterness, the hatred, the loathe, the despise, the cannot bear memories, or even the scars left after a scratch. All that seems to be remaining is how good were the times.
Going back a couple of years life was ‘incomplete’… I won’t call it dreadful because I had someone I was utterly obsessed by, a companion who wore a mantle of magic, a friend who at present has left me all alone, though stood by me one like my own silhouette, a friend I dearly am fond of but I don’t know if it is a two-way idea. Let names not be disclosed, especially when this ridiculous culture we stand before day in day out manipulates most of our movements and thoughts. Especially the better/worse half of my most trusted companion.
Companions are like guides on the excursion of life. These guides provide experiences of joys, friendship, love, memories, traffic signals, emotions and much more. So saying that my companion was just a mere company would be impolite on my part and I am known for my politeness since forever *smile.
Six years ago, my companion of eight years then was my only obsession. I call her obsession because I could not imagine a world without her…
Without her approval or disapproval, it seemed something important was missing and hence to acquire her criticism or notion on whatsoever was most important for me. On the contrary, instead of making me totally dependent on her, this fair companion let me into believing in my own self. Consciously or unconsciously along the ride of my life she did hold my hand with a promise “I never let go of anyone after I bring them to the center of the ocean” … but with my hand held, she encouraged me make choices on my own. That holding hand gesture always told me I am being sided with no matter which direction I am headed, and with a supporting guide, I knew I had less chances of stumbling.
Idle times I have sat to reminiscence not merely out of compulsion but impulsiveness. It just hits me off and on. I have made ample memories with my companion and I have been lucky to do so. There is so much to thank her for but I just don’t have the means to anymore. I don’t know if it will be right to do so. We always say that thoughts should be said out loud and not concealed. I will have to conceal my trust for now I don’t have any companion I can trust.
As the cancer creeps in and days progress there are no harsh bits that my mind would recall. I have sat before and I will sit again, in search of my own soul and the hiding elements that compliment the person I am in flesh. I have been sad, I have been eroded, of course there have been instances where I have almost lost the companionship but somehow hopefulness has always crept up and held my hand…
“I wondered once what a morning would be without imagining her smile, or a text message from her reading of love and only promises for my days…” Now I know I can live without them too. For she was a mere human I took for an angel. I was the angel in her life, she dreamt of me in gold and as interpreted doom would cast upon everything around her if she lost sight of me. She has lost me. We have lost us.
There was a novelty about my obsession with this God’s creature. My life of uncountable conscious years has had many acquaintances, friends, foes, and family, but very few companions. They say obsession is a mental illness. Never have denied what they say. Like a few companions, I have had very few obsessions. For the ‘strive and thrive’ my obsession is as important to me as my companion. It keeps me company, it keeps me hooked, and it keeps me living!
They tell me ‘don’t!’
They still say ‘don’t!!’
They will always say ‘don’t!!!”
I now I loudly say “I never will!”
I was grateful to my Creator for giving me the pleasure of her company. Now I wonder why was she ever so much more than what she isn’t anymore!
My dear companion,
Not long ago did I say I value your presence in my life, I now say that you were the ugliest of them all who hid behind veils and made me come all bare. There have been ample and uncountable blessings of God on me, and your departure has been one of them too. The bigger the person you are in your head, I wish life cramps all possibilities and opportunities for you. You deserve the thorns in your way, for now you don’t have me to clean up around you.
Predominantly I thank God, yet again for the curse He let into my life in the shape of you. You who I held in esteem, you who I hailed ‘companion’. Secondly, I thank you for being that villian who steals the dignity of a woman and leaves her out cold. Your selfishness will dig your grave so deep that for times to come after we cease to be there will be no one trusting no one and no companion for envy.
Yet I envy you for the persona of you. How selfishly you weaved the web of deceit and I let let my self entangle and drown.
Thank you.
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