The Other Woman

2003

I lay there in the bathtub staring in oblivion. The pain in my chest was too much tonight. I wanted it all to go away. I wished I could just tell her I knew and get it all over with. But I held back the urge for the millionth time. I wished I could scrub the skin off my body. I didn’t feel myself in it anymore. I felt dirty and impure hiding all the filth inside me. then the bathroom door opened and she peeped in.

“Honey, are you done yet?”

I didn’t know what to say. I looked at her and just smiled. That is all I had strength enough to do. Was I done yet? I guess I was done a long time ago, the day I had first found out. She came home late like she had done many times before. But this time it was different. I could sense it in the way she was acting and talking. I asked her as usual what made her so late and unlike before, her answers had a tone of uneasiness. I knew then that she was lying but my love was too blind to see it. I know she is still seeing her, sleeping with her.

I came out of the bathroom wearing a robe. She was waiting for me on the bed. We were going to make love. Maybe she enjoyed having sex with her but we; we made love, and making love was not an easy thing to do especially when one of us was faking it. Knowing that what we did was exactly what she did with her made it that much harder on me. I felt intimidated. I still wasn’t able to understand what made her seek intimacy in someone else. Was it because of me or was it just her? Was I too flawed? Was I not exciting enough? Did I not satisfy her completely? These were questions I wanted to scream out to her every time we made love. Rather, I just moaned out her name. She thought it was in pleasure but she had no idea how much pain was hidden in it. She was in me but I never really felt it.

“Oh! I love you…” she groaned.

I wanted to say, “I know you do but not enough. You love me but you love her body.”

“I love you too…”

I’ll never let her know that I know. It’s a secret I’ll take with me to the grave. And maybe in the afterlife, when everything is revealed, she’ll know that all this while I knew and then the way she’ll feel will be my revenge. Till then, I’ll keep on loving, and moaning and pretending. I just wish I had the kind of power over her that she had that made her risk everything just to be in her. I wanted to mean that much to her. For once, even for just a moment, I wanted to be the other woman.