Homosexuality

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1997..
Lately, I’ve not been myself… While most people I know are having drama with their partner and friends, I’m having an internal drama on my own… And I guess I should now just let it out…
To be honest, I’ve been questioning myself a lot lately… It’s like I’m going on a journey of self-discovery all over again… I do hope its not too late for it though.
Frankly, deep within I still hold true to the love of God and my religion… However I’ve been so throne up inside questioning myself about being GAY and being a Muslim… I was never a religious person, growing up I spend my days hang out with the guys.. instate of riding my way to the ustazah's house, I spend the hours in the monsoon drain looking for “ikan longkang” and tadpoles, off road bike rides, fishing, late night camping by the lake on weekends, playing hokey and footballs with the boys from my neighborhood..  
I’ve been thinking.. Can one still be a good Muslim while accepting the fact that she’s gay? Can Haram and Halal be mixed together and be ok?
I lived a secret life with a secret gay lesbian lover for the passed many years.. and no one really know what the hell is going on.. my family has no clue of it.. (well, that was what I thought though.. my dad seems to suspect.. but never confronted me regarding it)
2001.
Well, to tell ya, I have a boyfriend, whom I’m been “dating” for its seems ages years!! He’s a kind, loving, religious, successful, charming guy, who I don’t think deserve a person like me..
I just don’t know how to tell my family about it.. Will they think I’m a freak? Will they still love me?? Will the accept me for who I am?? I really don’t know what will happen if I ever tell them.
2007.
My first love relationship ended 4 years ago though.. but off late, I’ve met this one person who I cant take my mind of her.. I really can’t! Shall I act on it?? Shall I just ignore it? Shall we just be friends?
Hmmm… this has been driving me nuts for these pass few weeks..
Shall I tell her how I feel?
Do I want a relationship with her?
Or shall we just be friends?
Or maybe we’d be FWB?
Do I want to get married and have kids?
Will my parents still be proud of me?
Will they still love me?
Will I ever survive the jungle out there?

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