Needs, Wants, and Life Gone By

I sit here under the flourescent lights, drowsy but finding the will to stay awake, and thinking. Simply thinking about the past, the future, but mainly the present. Do you ever do that? Ponder about how you got to where you are not only physically but also emotionally, how your heart somehow matched up with your head (finally).
Years and years and years go by without even a whisper that time is passing until you suddenly glance at a photo a friend took, and notice age. Laugh lines creep up on you, they do not announce themselves but slowly come across the face, allowing the people who see you to know,She’s had a good life.
Ten years ago I would not have pictured this life as my life. I’m sure at the time I wanted to live in a romantic city, be it Paris or New York, they were interchangeable and similar in the thought that those places would hold something for me in my future. Those places would create the life that I so dearly wanted. A smile creeps on my face as I think, how little we know…

As we stretch out and get comfortable in the life that unfolds before us, is it ever a thought in your mind that you weren’t supposed to have this life? That the love and the happiness you receive on a daily basis isn’t true because it doesn’t coincide with the ideal world you had hoped to live in? I think we’ve all thought that it maybe once. Maybe twice.
Sometimes growing is the same as changing, sometimes it’s not. Sometimes growing is simply a realisation that the daydream you once wanted to exist has actually come true, only merged into reality, not quite want you thought you wanted – but you would never let anyone take it away from you.
At times I get weepy. A sad broadcast on tv, a book, about a lover dying – and J is never around, of course. So I call him, trying not to let him in on my emotional unstability, and just make sure he’s okay. He’s busy, as always at work, so I continue calming my nerves by steeping some tea and wrapping myself in a blanket watching a movie. J often finds me in this position when he gets home, I'am sometimes half asleep, and other times we are racing to hug and kiss J.
To say that I never ‘wished’ for this life feels so wrong. I never truly asked to be a wife, working, living in a rural town and married to this man. But somehow, that’s exactly what I needed.