My Dear Friend

I am not sure exactly why am I writing to you and why do I choose to write here. I suppose you will read this sooner or later, or maybe you won’t read it at all, and may be then you will understand.

I think I write this for my sake as well… to keep some sort of record so that I can be reminded of this time in my weak moments. I wonder where we went wrong, I wonder what we did that takes us just a second to turn so cold from being all caring, loving and honest. The unpredictability that we have just gives me the chills. I wonder about the mood swings, the sarcastic comments, the whinnings and the downright awful fights.

After weeks and weeks of efforts, I am forcing myself to accept that you were right. You were right when you told me that we can never take the middle road. It is always one extreme or another. Oh, how so much I wish we could take the middle road—at least I would still have the same friend. I cherish your friendship. More than anything else, I cherish our friendship. I cherish what we had between early March and early June. I cherish all the TEXTs and the late night talks about the whole world over our pillows.

I only ask for my friend. I only ask for the person I was myself with. I ask for the friend who cared, who talked non-stop, who brought me food when I was sick, who spent hours with me and who confided in me. I remember the friend who would tell me everything and would expect to know everything. The friend who was my comfort zone and I was her. I miss the friend I have shared countless memories with, the friend I have sang all kinds of songs with. I miss the friend who was practically my “alarm clock” every morning, and my late night lullaby.

Sometimes I think I was right when I wrapped up the “best friend” and decided to throw her out of the window so that she could never hurt me again, but then there were words, words of comfort, gestures of care and sincere smiles.

“…Because I am making a conscious effort to change things. I have given you enough grief over this and I want to fix it now but will you giving me a chance? I can’t do this without you”

“I do care about you, at least now I do and I want to care.”

“Of all the things said and done, these stand out the most.”

“You raise your expectation a little too much”

Yes, my dear I used to, I used to when I thought differently but now I know better. I again ask for my friend. I ask my friend to come back. Why is it so hard? Is it really too much to ask?

I am not sad. I am getting immune to the pain now. But I am a little disappointed, and I ask myself why are we so disappointing. Why am I so disappointing?

I wish you would come to me and tell me that everything is just fine, that I can tease you and get on your nerves and that we can talk the whole night through without any worries, that we can stand up for each other, and that we don’t have to give each other cold looks ever again. For only you have the ability to comfort me. More than anything else, I hope you tell me that you have cherished this friendship with all it’s flaws as much as I have.

Please know that no matter how things are or how they unfold, I cherish my friendship with you and I always will.

I just hope you do too.