Broke and Beautiful

As I wrapped up the post I refreshed the DD page and there it was, the prompt to drive my writing for the day. But too late - my broken-ness has taken over and though I still have the courage to catch up on my negatives and be a better someone by the end of this year, I still have to scream on about what I have to. I hope you have the courage to see me in the same eye after I am done narrating and boring you out of your senses. Let courage drive us all! to the better of things.

oh yes a terrific quote to fit in this context...

Many of us spend our whole lives running from feeling with the mistaken belief that you can not bear the pain. But you have already borne the pain. What you have not done is feel all you are beyond that pain.

Imagine being in a dark room with only a single beam of light shining in. You know the light is there but no matter what you do you can never hold on to it. Meet depression. Don't let it consume you. Don't let your courage fade away. See one end as a prelude to a new beginning. There is no THE END until you're in the grave. Of course life will beat you around in situations and circumstances but you will survive only if you chant 'Life shrinks and expands in proportion to one's courage' don't forget - I won't too. It consumes you, eating away at you until you don't know who you are anymore.

I have been so miserably broke this year that it isn't even funny. Dad always said I am a high maintenance girl but really I am not all that high maintenance. Much of what I earn goes into pleasing the rest of the family, their treats and birthday presents. I am not a spend thrift but lately it seems I am becoming one just because of over spending and no saving. What is to become of me, I am not sure.

I have derived a self prompt which would be 'Broke' yes you saw right 'Broke' is what my world revolves around lately. No broken bones ladies and gentlemen but there broken me and broken savings, so on and so forth. As much as you are disinterested in the negative of things, I eye it as an opportunity to think wisely in months to come. Yes so what if my account doesn't have a $100 savings (even), I do have money in my purse to spend sometimes. Of course it is just the 9th of the month and tomorrow I will be only left with a little more than $50 to fit the remaining month, which I am planning not to touch but that plan will have to go down the gutter because there is my tailor expense to meet when he calls in. Yes. I am doomed. I am not wise I say. And what you say won't make me feel better at all. What I earn might be measly but people run their homes with that money, so why can't I be a little more safe than sorry? Why I am boasting about this nonsense on an open portal? Ah well I have nothing to do this evening than to cry over and over. Sniff sniff!

Perhaps agreeing with my boss to buy a Blackberry wasn’t a wise decision, even though she is giving it at almost half the price with warranty. Why do I have to be so greedy about this tech? Why can't I just stay in love with my C905 and stay sane and not have to cry about savings. If I tell her I am backing out now, that will be stupid and plainly idiotic. As much as I was happy to be a BB owner, I now feel totally wrecked. I wish I had an elder bro to take some money from. It is times like these I miss a brother. Dad obviously will say a big No. because according to him, I am already living beyond my own means. Why o why can't I be earning more decently than I am now. Yes sometimes money is a big issue and right now, it most definitely is.

So that is one part of the broke story. The other broke is a little to private to spill out on a blog so I will refrain to do so. Yes it does revolve around my heart but it isn't broke. I just spoke to a friend and feel a little better. I think when time tells you something you should just listen to it and stop fighting so hard to get what isn't yours in the first place. So yes it all seems to be right and proper and all set but what seems at one point isn't really all that yes yes to happen. Perhaps God has better plans, yes I will always believe. No matter how much I have loved and will love, no matter who steps in and out of my life, I will sanely go on, because life knows no stop until I land up in my grave. I won't be there soon. I have a life to build beyond today and that will happen. I won't be letting any pieces disappear. What happened 10 years ago might be lost and remain in fragments but I have those broken pieces, because those pieces mend my being me often. I deliberately detach them but then again like a magnet I attract them and they fit in perfectly!

I am more broken and rotten after the recent New York episode. What rubbish! Why do you do something which leads to the discomfort of others? I wonder if I ll be brain washed like many and led on the same path – but then I know I am a determined person and my beliefs are better than a 1000 people at least. I am disinterested in harming even if harmed and though I voice this today, I hate those who have no kindness and consideration in their hearts for the rest of the world. Being Muslim wasn't really a thing of shame for me, I feel grateful that I belong to a place which lets me be but then these people led or deliberately on the path come in and bomb your entire structure of sanity. Why do you do it? Don’t you feel accountable? Don’t you feel that you ll be questioned? Are you that helpless that you lead on to become a source of harm for the rest of your kind?

What if I was going to apply for US visa and now this. Why would they give me a visa or even treat me sanely at the airport? Just the thought of interrogation for nothing leaves me shivering. I haven’t and will not be doing anything in the face of harm and yet I will be slaughtered, again and again without being believed in. yes you have broken me, my own kind. You call yourself a saint and a Muslim, but what you do, or what they create a hype about you is all your fault. Yes you have done something which God hasn’t forgiven and so this. You lie and you do all the sorts which gives way to the rest of world to puke on you. Is it my fault that I am what I am and not even close to what you are? Yes I share your cloak but I wear my skin and it isn't the same color as you. But will they believe me?

I am sorry for the hopelessness in my own kind here. As much as being Muslim is a crown on my head, that crown at times digs into my skull and makes me bleed. I am broken by the deeds of the men of my religion. They put me to shame and then say they are doing so because they have been promised Heaven above. I wish I knew how all this could be put a stop to but I rest my case with much unrest.

I am much more broken because I had to lie and lie because I had to. There was no other way. Yes I am sorry in advance, but I am broken and sad because I can't continue to put up a false face. It isn't me. I only know how to be who I am and that does not include lie ever. I think I gave in too easy. I just wish I wasn't poked to.

I am broke!
I am broke!

I am completely broke!

Sorry for being so bitter here – I really am out of spirits today – no good reason – maybe it is just the scorching heat and this ruthless weather. May I add that I am yet too beautiful and too saint than many out there and though there are sciences of living as an accomplished woman, I am yet to adapt to the most appreciated B, the Bitch - I can never be broke in terms of human-ness - I will always be beautiful -- hope that gives you faith in me!