On the Way Back to Myself

Sometimes I feel my whole life is a dream. Not mine, maybe someone else’s. And then I wonder whose dream it might be and whether they are enjoying it.

I wouldn’t say my life is very entertaining but it definitely takes some weird forms and shapes at times. Sometimes it is all pinky and happy, sometimes everything is dark around and I am trying to pull through, trying to find a way, trying to find myself.

..And Hansel said to Gretel, "Let us drop these breadcrumbs... so that together we find our way home".

Because losing our way would be the most cruel of things… Maybe only losing yourself is worse. I feel I am losing both.

Losing the way on a journey called life might be really unfortunate. But if you lose reasons for the journey itself it is much more cruel.

On this journey I am traveling alone. Sometimes there are others who would join and take the ride, sometimes they get closer to me than expected, sometimes I let them closer than necessary. Sometimes people leave, sometimes people lie, but in the end it always was only my journey. And when the destination was reached, it was not me who arrived… it was not me at all.

And now I wonder if it is still me or I completely lost myself. Because once you lose yourself you always have 2 choices – to find that person you once have been, or lose that person completely. And I don’t know what I should do. Or who I am for that matter. Because I realize that sometimes you have to change yourself, to look at the person who you used to be and remember the person who you wanted to be. The person who you meant to be. The person who you needed to be. The person you are. Or you are not…

And if you are on a crossroad wondering which way to take like I am, you are definitely looking back to all the years of a journey that has been yours. Remembering all your dreams, all your hopes and wondering where everything went wrong. Because none of those dreams turned out to be the way you wanted them. And you are disappointed and maybe scared. You are in darkness. And even though you keep in mind this “No regrets”-policy, you do regret that things are not as simple as you have always dreamt them to be.

But you try not to be bitter over all these disappointments and failures, over pain and sadness. And you learn to let go of the past, and you realize that not every day has to be sunny, that rains and storms are inevitable too.

And you stand there in the darkness wondering who you are and what to do and where to go. And you don’t know if you want to go anywhere at all. But you know that it is just a darkness of despair and it eventually will fade away. Because it is only in the black of the night when you can see the stars. And these stars will always lead you back home.
Where your place is.
Where you are you.

Sometimes I feel my whole life is a dream. And then I hope whoever’s dream it is they are enjoying it.